When Do I Pull the Plug on a Jerk?

Shaun, when do I pull the plug on my immature, s***-for-brains, possibly dangerous ex, who – here we go again – is not paying child support, and not keeping his end of the visitation agreement?  I know boys need their Dads – my sons totally adore theirs – and I also know my two boys couldn’t and wouldn’t understand why I’d ever keep their Dad from them.  So, either I continue to let my ex make my life miserable or, if I go after him and totally cut off contact, my kids will make my life miserable.  Any ideas?

 

  

I’ve been asked a version of this question so many times, it’s just sad.  There’s no sugar coating that you’re in a bad situation, so bear with me.  What gets my attention right away, of course, is “possibly dangerous.”

 

If he directly threatens you, or you’ve already been hit (even way back in the early days of the marriage), your hand is pretty much forced.  It’s not just your obvious right to protect yourself, but you absolutely don’t want your kids to witness some awful scene that could have been prevented.  An active history of violence, plus current threats, puts the obligation on you to do what needs to be done legally.  Period.

 

But, let me guess. Your situation is more fuzzy than that, and what you’re dealing with is someone who hasn’t really ever been violent, but occasionally pushes the “verbal” envelope – especially when he’s had a few.  He may even claim honestly (maybe) that he doesn’t remember saying the things he did say – which felt like threats to you– the next day.

 

So, there’s plenty to take up here, but it boils down to you getting your mind right for the long haul – being the mother of those children, having a good home, and having your life.

 

And the obvious, honest truth is, only you know what that really should look like.  Which is why everyone else could be totally wrong about what’s right for you, including family, friends, divorce lawyers, and people like me.  In order to pull everything off you’re going to have to concentrate hard, and be a learner.  I sometimes call it “making higher-quality mistakes.”

 

Having said that, and now returning to your dilemma, what I’m advocating for is that you be as scrupulously honest with yourself as possible.  If you honestly don’t think your ex is really a worse-than-average, dangerous jerk, and the truth is you’re just furious at how irresponsible and stupid he is, then hanging in, keeping the dialogue going, and not turning it into trench warfare will probably benefit you and your family for the long haul.

 

I bet you’re saying, “But I’ve TRIED being reasonable already.”  Maybe so.  But, I hardly need to tell you: time passes.  He stops being so bitter, he grows up emotionally a bit.  He finds someone else, he gets a better job.  Maybe life unfolds in a positive direction for him, and that gets his focus off you, the divorce, and winning battles with you.  Many, many women have told me that it’s a better kind of problem when the ex wants to see his kids, even if it comes with hassles, than the heartache the kids feel when Dad is nowhere to be found.

 

You know for sure your kids don’t want their Dad on the other side of some line which permanently reduces their access to him – either in their minds, or in reality.  Remember, you’ll always be dealing with him through the kids.  Yes, they carry his DNA, but he’s in them in all kinds of ways  – mentally, emotionally. So it’s easy to predict they’ll be coming at you with all kinds of attitude, intensity, and opposition that, at least partly, comes from their loving him.  Be ready.

 

Most women look back at being the Mom of young kids as a time when their lives literally weren’t their own – completely taken over by the neediness and the endless “to do” list.  Being a single parent would be brutally hard even if the ex was an affluent saint, or a sensitive New Age male.  The culture isn’t helping out the way it used to.  You’re more on your own.  

 

If it’s going to work out somehow, you’ll need to have a series of conversations with him – maybe think of it as one long, ongoing conversation – about parenting the kids, the importance (and benefits) of consistency, of keeping to agreements, and of communicating when there’s a problem or any kind of curveball. He may flick your words aside, because that’s his way of not allowing you to have some sort of moral upper hand.  If he can’t keep from being nasty or uncooperative, end that particular conversation; just keep your cool, and don’t burn any bridges unless he makes it absolutely necessary.

 

An obvious truism:  life works better when the people in each others’ lives refrain from lying and hurting each other, and can trust each other enough to be able to count on basic goodwill and baseline decency.  It takes time to get there if that’s not someone’s natural inclination.

 

This is a tough judgement call. Taking the high road isn’t just something the “goody two-shoes” might do if they had the time and energy.  It’s actually a very practical and effective way of coping and moving forward that also models what you want your kids to see, and believe in.  It generates fewer (but not zero) problems for you and your family.

 

So, one last time:  If you think you’re in physical danger, pull the plug.  A tie goes to safety.  If you’re pretty sure that’s not your situation, and he’s just (yet another) emotionally immature male having trouble coping with what his behavior has reaped – hang in, concentrate on parenting, let time be an ally. 

 

You may never get to a point where you’re totally squared away with having to deal with him.  But, having weathered constant frustrations and outright provocations, you’ll probably be glad you did, finally, get to something workable in the end.  I’m pretty sure your kids will be glad (and may even be grateful down the road) that you pulled off keeping their Dad, your ex, revolving “out there” – but still in the family solar system.