Dating Again: How much do I say to the kids?

I’ve only recently started dating, but I’m with someone I’m liking a lot. It could get serious. How much do I talk about my dating situation with my kids?

 

I can almost guarantee there will come a point down the road when it finally feels like things are getting squared away: you’ve gotten on top of your most important tasks and obligations, gotten past the raw feelings, and have settled into a good family rhythm.  That’s when your kids’ opinions about whether you date, and who you date, won’t matter nearly as much as they do now.  But they do matter a lot now.

 

So it’s critical to understand that your children, while they really do want you to be happy, need to be assured that you have the desire and the emotional energy to stick with them, and give them what they need.

 

Plus, as we know so well by now, kids are constantly fantasizing, imagining, and hoping their parents will get back together. As a result, bringing in a potential step-parent is always very loaded – even if your kids claim they’re fine with it.

 

But, for now, let’s just fast forward and assume that everything has unfolded as it should – you’ve done well, things are stabilized – and now you start to date someone, and it feels like it could get serious.

 

Be careful about boundaries. Your family has “pulled it together,” but is still fragile, and even if the new “significant other” is an absolute gem, try not to push the new person onto your family too hard, too soon.

 

True, it’s great to feel normal and lovable again, and sometimes it’s so much fun and seems like it’s “working” so well, the kids seem relaxed and happy that you’re happy, etc.

 

Again, be careful. It turns out that kids have special feelings about the “real” family unit – there’s an element they want to keep special, that feels almost “sacred” – and they want you to feel that way, too.

 

They hope that you want and need private time with them, to share special moments, family rituals around holidays, kinds of intimate knowledge – and it feels like abandonment if you’re very quick to include others, or be oblivious to how it might change things.

 

Don’t jump the gun.  Happiness is coming.  Really.

 

 

Resource Reviews: Keeping Legal Costs Down

I came across this nicely done little “tips” article on how to deal with lawyers so that costs stay under control.

 

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Separation_Divorce_Process/top_ten_tips.html

 

As usual, some of the ideas are pretty obvious, but it’s nice to glance at as you sort out when and how best to use your lawyer – and not just imagine a meter moving wildly.

 

 

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Separation_Divorce_Process/top_ten_tips.html

 

 

Therapy?

Question:  Does everyone who goes through a divorce need therapy?

 

Not at all. 

 

But, I’ve named this blog “The Divorce Conversation” because I DO believe that talking about your divorce is crucial to anyone looking to move forward and have a good life.

 

So, I’m not going to rant about Psychotherapy and the “disease” model.  For some people, therapy is the only place to have an intelligent conversation with someone trustworthy, supportive, and constructive. 

 

So often, parenting and paying bills, combined with an ongoing “war” with the ex, result in emotional saturation driven by immediate family needs and crises, adversarial tactics, and continuous exhaustion – none of which facilitates wisdom and hope.

 

My approach is to be clear that, at first, divorce is actually even more emotionally cataclysmic than most people realize, but that doesn’t necessarily make you “sick.”  What happens most often is that the blow causes people to “re-trench” – which is normal, even necessary in the short run – but then can have very regrettable, limiting effects on clear-eyed emotional honesty, realistic optimism, and, my major theme, the capacity to learn the “right” lessons.

 

A high quality, ongoing conversation about the multiple threads of the divorce experience can make the difference between barely adequate “recovery,” and the opportunity to re-energize one’s life based on brave, honest lessons – well learned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resource Reviews: Children and Divorce

 

http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/index.html

 

 

I was excited to come upon this website.  Created by two pediatricians, I thought it was clear and well laid out.

 

One of their points of emphasis is the importance of the Parenting Plan – writing it out, being very specific, anticipating likely difficulties and bones of contention.

 

I especially like the “handouts.”

 

But here’s where there may be problems.  Most of the links work when you click on them, but when I filled out the form to request my copies, and clicked on “submit,” I got an error message.

 

Uh oh.

 

I’ll be investigating, and reporting back shortly.

 

For now, what IS there is well done, and well worth looking at.

 

 

http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/index.html