“Living Well Is the Best Revenge”

George Herbert, English clergyman & metaphysical poet (1593 – 1633).”

 

 

That’s a fairly famous quote, and it simply reminds us that life is not a contest of wills measured by how many people regret they’ve “messed” with you.

I used to think it was so obvious it hardly needed saying – but sadly, more than ever, it does. Sure, your definition of “living well” is probably different from mine, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean being obsessed with fighting the ex-spouse to the point that it dominates everything, and gets in the way of both doing what needs to be done now, and recognizing what happens when you don’t take the future into account.

Sure – it’s hard. Marriage dreams are filled with hope, passion, commitment, fantasies of partnership, shared responsibilities, co-parenting – even real love. The end of a marriage is a huge blow for anyone, but some react with complete tunnel vision, as if it’s a direct, personal attack, and can’t help themselves from attacking back, and “winning” – whatever the heck that means.

Be clear. Attacking back is not the same thing as standing up for yourself and your basic rights, or advocating that the children be properly cared for. In fact, those are exactly the type of things where it’s crucial that your head is as clear as possible, and that you manage your feelings well.  It makes you stronger, and sends the signal that you won’t be thrown off or distracted if the ex tries to push your buttons. Attacking back steals energy, lowers behavior standards for everyone, and ends up making a mess that becomes its own problem.

Take it slow.  Focus on simply “maintaining” at first. Be a valued employee and a good co-worker. Reassure the kids. Fight that loss of energy that’s a natural part of having your life turned upside down. Don’t get isolated. Reach out – not just for the help you need, but make an effort to help others. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen, a nursing home, or your child’s school. Be there for others. It’s amazing how that kind of thing comes back to you in so many ways, just when you need it.

Change things up – do something new and different. If needed, swap child care with a friend and take a class once a week. Meet a friend and go for a walk.

Be a class act. Do not indulge your anger publicly, or even privately, if it’s in front of the kids. That stresses the children – and, frankly, anyone else who cares for you – and makes it harder to be constructive and supportive.

Sometimes divorce can make you so lightheaded it can feel like an out-of-body experience. But riding that out and staying focused on your own best version of what “living well” means for you, makes it more likely that, over time, the universe will line up with you. Truly.

Maybe “revenge” isn’t quite the right word. Even if you were the one who didn’t want the marriage to end, even if your knees start to buckle in the face of all that needs doing. Promising yourself that you’ll live well and become the quality person you’ve always had in you is – by far –the most triumphant message you could possibly send to your ex.