Divorce: The opportunity to learn

 

“Yeah, sure!”

I can just hear people saying that to themselves when they read the title, and – when I’m in that kind of mood – I can be there too: skeptical about casually painting a smiley face on something as huge as divorce.

No matter how solid a citizen you think you are, divorce disrupts the “script,” and, if you’re not careful, can bring out a dark, ugly reaction that’s amazing to witness.

Some spouses will do just about anything rather than “lose” to their ex, conducting a totally scorched earth, guerilla war – lying, accusing, badmouthing, stealing, harassing. Whatever it takes to win.

Of course, even these days, most people avoid the “scorched earth” route, but it’s still shocking how much embarrassing behavior gets unleashed.

Maybe it’s because divorce isn’t as “taboo” as it once was, and isn’t seen by society as a personal failure to be ashamed of – which was intended to be a good thing! The net effect on many is that they’re not humbled in that healthy way that encourages thinking and self-reflecting on “how it came to this.”

The only way not to be totally swamped by the negativity of divorce is to bring the best human being you have inside you into the game – as soon as possible. Some people “get” it instinctively, others have to learn from sad experience: the sooner you get on top of your raw feelings and start acting the way you should, the sooner things get stabilized – and start heading in the right direction.

Not everyone needs therapy, but divorce is more than a little blip, and attention must be paid. If you have kids, they’re affected forever by the new path your life takes – obviously – and they’re watching how you handle yourself very closely.

So find the help and support – professional or non-professional – that truly “helps” keep you on track. You really want to be able to look back at how you did during this time, and be proud of yourself.

Divorce is an opportunity:

” First and foremost, to “step up” as a parent, communicate to the children that you’re with them no matter what, and embrace the maturity you committed to when you conceived them.

” To re-connect with family. You’ll need them, of course, but it’s also an opportunity to remember that they need you. Help them, appreciate them, love them, and they’ll be there for you.

” To think, and re-think, about things like where you’re living geographically, and, no matter what chain of events got you there, asking the question, “Where’s the best place for me to spend this part of my life?”

” To look at finances – not just how much you have and what you owe, but your real relationship to money. What does it reflect about your “choices” so far? Are you being clear-eyed about the part it plays in your self esteem, where you fit in life’s pecking order, and whether you’re trapped – or have options?

” To renew, reclaim, or discover for the first time a spiritual dimension in your life. Instead of anger, hurt, anxiety, despair, and turmoil, some respond to the intense emotions of the divorce process by going the other way – toward self-understanding, acceptance, inner peace, and a connection to the eternal.

” Above all, divorce is a crucial opportunity to learn. 

 

” To look in the mirror and be honest about what you see. Your piece of whatever you’re going through (and putting your kids through) is yours to own, not what your ex is telling you it is, and this is the opportunity to know it for real – and then react to it with the best you have in you.

Yes, it’s hard – and some of it isn’t pretty. The point is to learn – truly learn – and move forward.