Disappointed in Love
I hadn’t heard that phrase in awhile.
Such an understated, gentle way of putting it.
It was said by a very lively 93-year-old guy from somewhere around Lake Sunapee being interviewed in an old Yankee Magazine about his still-successful tool sharpening business. He was responding to a question about his early life, and it was about all he had to say regarding his encounters with the opposite sex.
I have to admit, working with as many divorces as I have has seldom caused me to say “disappointed in love” when describing my clients’ states of mind.
Devastated, crushed, enraged, panicked, exhilarated, desolate, anxiety-laden, depressed, bitter, disassociating, delusional – that’s more what I’ve seen in this day and age.
It’s also true that many can appear, from the outside, to be carrying on pretty well. I remember I was pretty stoic to the visible eye.
Divorce rips a hole in our universe. Our sense of ourselves moving through time and space is altered.
I actually admire that “old school” reticence.
I go in and out on what I truly think about whether “culture” succeeds, or makes things worse, when it strongly shapes the way people are supposed to feel - and express those feelings – about something as elemental as male-female relationships.
It came out later in an “aside” by the interviewer that the elderly gentleman’s attempt to have a family in his mid-30’s had resulted in admission to “a mental ward” and a stint in prison.
Lasting human relationships have never been easy.
5 Comments »
Leave a comment
About Shaun
Please also feel free to visit my website and my other blog, The Human Workplace.
-
Archives
- August 2009 (1)
- April 2009 (1)
- March 2009 (1)
- February 2009 (1)
- January 2009 (14)
- December 2008 (4)
- November 2008 (8)
- October 2008 (11)
-
Categories
-
RSS
Entries RSS
Comments RSS
Dear Shaun,
I suspect that culture makes things worse when it comes to expressing our feelings.
“Old school” generations, especially males felt that to express ones feelings was typically ‘un-manly’. They were the strength in the family and in the community and could not appear to be frail in feelings or to even have them.
I remember my dear old Grandma, whom I asked one day what her secret to staying married to my Grandpa for 57 years was.
She said that she tolerated him.
I was expecting a declaration of undying love etc…
Methinks the 93 year old had the same view on discussing his feelings.
I personally wear my heart on my sleeve and am therefore more inclined to be hurt, and being senstive, Im also not scared to express my feelings…and show them.
I cry, I open up and I live my feelings. I dont hide behind them and try and appear strong when I am not. I only do that if I have to have contact with my ex’s family for some reason. But that is a good reason to act strong. I dont want it getting back to her that Im a quivering lump of jelly:)
“Divorce rips a hole in our universe. Our sense of ourselves moving through time and space is altered”
This is a powerful statement Shaun, you could right a thesis on it. Im going to think on it.
I wonder if God laughs at us sometimes when He see us floundering around in relationships, yes, lasting relationships are never easy!!!
Kind regards
Richard
I wanted to quickly acknowledge your comment, Richard. I’m moving fast today so I can’t sit and be very thoughtful with my reply.
The quote you reference might be a bit over-the-top, but only a bit. We seem to swing from too little awareness of true feelings to being relentlessly hyper-aware – to the point sometimes that it dominates, and interferes with life itself.
Fortunately, most pull back from that brink.
I’ll have something more to say soon.
Thanks, as always, Richard.
Shaun
Hi Richard-
Getting back to your comment….
Some people have always known what they wanted to be when they grew up. Some have always been good at setting goals and achieving them in their lives.
In the world as it is, those qualities can really help people focus – and I’m happy for anyone fortunate enough to be in that position. I’m not one of those people.
But, some of us KNOW things about ourselves, and one those “things” can be that we know we have within us the capacity to connect with someone in a strong, loving bond – be someone’s true partner in a committed relationship.
Yes, it helps if that’s what you saw as a kid, and your own parents modeled it.
But others come from broken homes, yet still somehow have a “feel” for what it requires, and are successful despite not having seen it directly or intimately.
For our purposes, though, we also have to acknowledge the sad reality that it’s possible to have strong self-awareness, know what you want, mean it, make a huge investment of time, emotional energy, and strenuous effort – and still have it go wrong.
It’s not just hurt feelings about being rejected, it’s actual cognitive dissonance about our ability to perceive reality. Most of us tell ourselves that we don’t succeed at those times when we don’t try hard enough, but when we DO try really hard, by any measure, and the effort still falls short – it’s cosmic.
That’s when you can’t simply manage where your mind goes. All bets are off. You can’t give it the usual nudge, wait it out a little, get a drink of water, have a nice dinner …. It’s a serious disruption of one’s inner life, and sometimes all you can do is hang on while the whole thing happens to you.
Some of the intensity comes from what we think others think of us – and this is the connection to the “messages” coming from the culture.
I actually think cultural “messages” vary and conflict, and then get distorted by our subjectivity, anyway. Example: I have no idea what coherent message is being sent by the culture instructing us on how to be male.
Obviously I’m not a big fan of any message that says, “losing a marriage is no big deal, don’t feel that badly about it.” But I’m not sure if it’s an actual message coming toward us, or what some of us prefer to hear rather than think badly of ourselves.
I said I admired that 93-year old guy’s “reticence” – and I do – but I also know I could never be him if it meant muting access to my own true feelings. Yes, we can finally overdose on feelings, but they’re such rich, valuable guides and teachers.
Thanks, as always, Richard,
Shaun
Hi Shaun,
I haven’t been through a divorce to know what it feels like but your post reminded me of what a friend said to me a couple years after her divorce (which she initiated because her husband refused to stop getting high). She said that she’d like to speak to women before they got divorced so that she could tell them what it would be like. I took this as “the grass is not always greener”. I don’t know that she regrets her divorce but I do sense that it ripped a hole in her universe. When I saw her recently, now several years later, she had gotten involved in church, found a sense of community and was glowing.
Hi Irene-
Divorce can be so intense, even when everyone’s civilized about it and it reflects an intractable reality – let alone shades of grey.
For many, being in a couple was a central vision of their adult identities, at the bone marrow level. It’s very, very hard not to be haunted by its ending.
Ultimately, your friend navigated admirably, and that’s also reality. I’m struck by the resilience so many people find within themselves – especially women, frankly.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.